My husband and I recently celebrated one year of marriage! In some ways it is hard to believe we have already been married a year, and in other ways it seems like we have always been married. We look forward to many many more years together!

While my husband and I have had a happy year of marriage, many times people are unhappy in their relationships. This can happen for a variety of reasons, including situations outside of one or both spouse’s control. However, dare I say that sometimes people do not have a happy marriage because they are not willing to do what it takes to make marriage happy. Some people would rather be right than happy, or think that the only thing that can make them happy is being right.

I have only been married a year, so I am not an expert on marriage. If you would like to talk to experts on marriage find one of those couples who has been married 30, 50, or 70 years! They know what they are talking about!

That being said, I have read a lot about marriage from people who have more expertise than I. Additionally, I have seen enough movies and social media to know what our culture says about marriage.

Media (including movies, TV shows, music, YouTube, memes, and social media) greatly influence us, often more than we think. These types of media can have a negative effect on relationships, especially when we assume cultural media stereotypes are true.

Here are some examples of how modern media often portrays marriage and why it doesn’t have to be (and shouldn’t) be this way.

Women spend all the money. Yes, we’ve all heard it. All women want to do is spend the hard earned money their husbands make, as well as the money they themselves make. Usually it’s on something frivolous and unnecessary, or purely for their own entertainment. (“You spent how much on Christmas decor?!” “Do you have to get Starbucks every day?!”).

There are always spenders and savers, and some people are more likely to spend more money. That being said, when we as a culture assume women spend lots of money, we as women assume it’s okay to spend lots of money. Assuming is never a good thing.

As married couples it is important to remember that all money is a gift from God and it is a gift that He has given to both of us. For the women, if your husband makes most of the money, keep in mind that the more you spend the harder he has to work and the more inadequate he feels. Men need to feel like they can provide for you, so if you downplay that, it undermines your husband. If you are both working and make around the same amount or if you make more, beware of having “his money” and “her money” and instead have “our money.” If your income is greater, you may be able to spend more money on frivolous things, but that doesn’t mean you should.

Men spend all the money (on different things). While men might say women spend all the money, women would be more prone to say the opposite. Usually it’s “You spend how much on fishing/hunting/sports/a boat?!” While women are accused of the small buys here and there constantly, men are accused of the big random purchases that they might never use.

While this too may sometimes be true, it doesn’t have to be true. Both husbands and wives should be careful of impulse purchases whether big or small. It’s okay to splurge a little bit sometimes, but it’s better to talk about it ahead of time and agree on it, or pick something nice out that you both want. On the one hand, you probably don’t need it. On the other hand, if it would mean a lot to him or her, maybe it’s worth it.

Money is one of the leading causes of divorce in America (second to infidelity)¹ and couples with more money are often at a higher risk of money related relationship stress. It doesn’t have to be this way; don’t let it be you!

Respect must be earned and love must be freely given (or vice versa). While both men and women need both respect and love, many many books and articles about marriage talk about how women’s greatest desire is to be loved and men’s greatest desire is to be respected. There are a number of popular books on this (such as Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs) but let’s look at the first place we should always look: the Bible.

Ephesians 5:22, 25 says, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord… Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” There you have it: wives, submit (and respect) your husbands; husbands, love your wives sacrificially.

Our culture thinks that respect and submit are dirty words, but the truth is they aren’t. I’m not going to go into a ton of detail about that in this post, but the Bible and human experience will tell you that men especially need to feel respected. When men feel respected by their wives, they feel loved and fulfilled.

Because of cultural misunderstandings about respect and love, people often think that love must always be unconditional and respect must always be earned. But meanwhile to those whom respect is especially important, they think respect should be unconditional and love should be earned. Of course this can often lead to a cycle of a woman feeling unloved and a man feeling unrespected and neither spouse being happy.

In the end both respect and love should be given unconditionally. In the above verses wives are to submit to their husbands as to the Lord. When should we submit to God? Always. So when should wives submit to and respect their husbands? It’s pretty clear: always.

As for husbands, they are supposed to love as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Christ’s love is unconditional, and so should a husband’s.

Husbands should love their wives unconditionally and wives should respect their husbands unconditionally. But here’s the other thing: if you are not feeling loved or respected, it is not your job to make the other person love or respect you. While we must love and respect the other person unconditionally, we should also act as if that love and respect should be earned. The other person is still responsible for his or her actions (or passiveness) against you, but it is also your job to act in a lovable and respectable manner.

Women are always right and men are just stupid. I feel like this one shouldn’t take much explanation, especially after we just finished talking about respect, but it still needs some recognition. Women, you are not always right and your husband is not stupid. Acting like these things are true is a great way to make sure no one feels loved or respected and everyone is frustrated all the time. It’s not true, even if the movies try to make it look funny.

Only women appreciate words. Women do often appreciate words (especially if their love language is words of affirmation!) but we are not the only ones. Men can also greatly desire and need affirming and loving words. If you like to be told you’re pretty, he probably likes to be told how strong and handsome he is. If you like to be told how much you’re appreciated, so does he. If you appreciate a sweet note left on the table or a spontaneous text during the workday, he likely does too. Men may receive loving and affirming words differently, but as a wife, don’t think you’re the only one who likes to be told instead of just shown how much you mean to him.

Only men appreciate physical affection. This is an even bigger stereotype than the last one. Without addressing details, women also desire and need all types of physical affection from their husbands. Of course every person is different, but women are sometimes known for pushing their husbands away (whether it’s a little pda in a public place or a romantic night at home). Try to let your guard down a little and not be annoyed. You might find that you need physical affection more than you think.

Division of labor is always bad and a relationship should be 50/50. In some ways these are opposite, but they also go together. Essentially the idea is that both the husband and the wife should do exactly half the chores around the house and that they should be split equally with both people doing both things all the time. When put that way it sounds ridiculous, but think about it! Have you ever heard a wife complain about how her husband doesn’t help with the dishes or a husband complain about how he always has to take the car in? That is thinking in both of these mindsets.

It does not really matter what the division of labor looks like (wives don’t have to do the cooking and husbands don’t have to mow the lawn) as long as everyone’s expectations are in the right place. You should know what you mostly take care of and what your spouse mostly takes care of. It might not be exactly fair and it may change over time but that’s okay. A wife who stays home without any children while her husband works, versus one who has five children under ten, versus a couple where both the husband and wife work will have to divide things differently. Be flexible and see what works, but do your best to do all you can to serve your spouse.

Relationships are almost never 50/50 and even if you have “division of labor” you should sometimes (or often) step outside of that to serve your spouse. Maybe your husband usually takes care of the cars, but you can make a phone call to take a vehicle in just as easily, can’t you? Maybe your wife does the cleaning, but if you’re home before her, why not clean up those dishes?

If both the husband and the wife are eager to serve instead of eager for things to be fair, everything will get done and both people will be much happier.

You’ll have more fun with your friends and without your spouse. Often people will say they are married to their best friend, but do you actually mean it? Do you actually want to do things with your husband or wife? Or would you rather spend your weekends and evenings in the company of others?

This of course does not mean you can’t have any other relationships; that’s not healthy either. Another stereotype is that marriage ruins all other relationships. While marriage should not ruin your friendships, it may change them because your spouse takes priority. If your spouse is really your best friend, then treat him or her like it!

Show me you’re mad, don’t tell me. Of course this is horrible advice, but all too often what is seen in fictional and real relationships today. The classic wife saying “I’m fine” is the best example. Don’t say you’re fine and expect him to figure it out. Tell him what’s wrong. Or if you honestly don’t know yourself, then say that. Don’t hide your feelings from one another but be honest! Whether it’s that you’re mad at your husband or wife or just that you’re tired or have had a rough day, be willing to express that to the person who loves you most in the world.

Whew! That was a long post and a lot of problems with modern society’s views on marriage. I don’t think any of these are really new, because our human nature is always to be selfish and stubborn, but modern media makes human nature and our sin easy to see. May we look to God and the Bible for our guidance and not to cultural stereotypes or even what we “feel” is right. God is the one who created both you and your spouse in His image for one another. What God has joined together, we must not separate.

Sources:

1. Jimenez Law Firm. How Finances affect divorce rates in America. Aug 18, 2021. https://thejimenezlawfirm.com/how-finances-affect-divorce-rates-in-america/